| lost crazy confused |
[25 Nov 2006|03:30am] |
i originally posted this on myspace as a blog but honestly i just felt way too exposed with it there. more strangers or people i dont know very well are more apt to see it there and i think it's really a ridiculous post. so if youre reading this, feel special cuz i feel comfortable showing you my insane side haha ... oh yeah, its from last night when i couldnt sleep. per usual. i jived myself up so much thinking bout all this shit that when i finally did fall asleep i had a terrible nightmare. cant win.
sometimes (often) i think of everything in and going on in the world and where we are all heading and all of it's components and i literally get so much anxiety i cant breathe. i guess i look at the big picture a little too much. it's just all too much. is ignorance bliss? has anyone truely found happiness and how to get there?
2006 has been one hell of a ride. my life is exactly what i thought it wouldnt be. but i cant say i would change it. even tho this past week i have felt so close to the edge of just giving up entirely. ive decided to just wait for the storm to pass. sorry for everyone that gets caught in the aftermath of my storms.
i really fear i am literally crazy and something is wired all wrong. or its just my years of partying a little too hard have ruined the sensors in my brain. dont they say that people usually develop psychoies (sp?) in their early twenties.
sorry for this, insomnia is at an all time high and i have nothing to do but thinkthinkthink all the time and sometimes i just need to write something so i dont torture myself in my head.
one last thing, the gun issue in this country is getting ridiculous. i think i watch too much tv and i hear too many stories about crazy people around here carrying around guns and pulling them out at random.ive never been scared of guns but i think because people are starting to carry them around openly it terrifies me. the idea of ending someone elses life in a split second is incredible.
so, have i totally lost it or what?
|
|
| reading this entry will probably make you want to die. just a forwarning |
[05 Nov 2006|12:45am] |
|
its disgusting but i cant stop thinking about the past 6 or months. the memories just keeping replaying themselves over and over. its a big fucking downer. i know i should just take from it and learn my lesson an im going to try but i just want it all to be gone. i want to feel normal again. i want to feel happy and fulfilled. i know im heading in the right direction but its so hard, maybe even harder than when i hit rock bottom and lost everything. at least then i could just get fucked up to forget about it. i got fucked up to feel better and just ended up feeling shity all over again cuz i got fucked up.right now i feel lost and lonley, like a fucking loser, so inbetween. i dont even know who i am anymore and i feel like i dont really belong anywhere. im 21 years old. not even five years ago i thought i would be doing big things at this point in my life. im too young to be sitting on my ass wasting away. these are the most important times of my life. when i should be learning, growing older, working towards building a life for myself. most people my age are cleaning their shit up, getting it together, making lives, making relationships moving forward and just simply expericing life. its so sad that i hardly remember the past two years of my life. nothing has mattered but making sure i was completely numb and that the days would just slide by without me noticing. ive become lazy. i just dont want to have to work or try or feel or do fucking anything. there are so many things i should be grateful for, so many things out there i could taking advantage of, so many things i could be learning and enjoying but i am just pissing it all away. and im so scared that i have just been so lazy and numb for so long that i dont even know how to do anything else anymore. i know its cliche but i literally feel like a shell of my former self. whats worse is, is i did everything with the reassurance in the back of my mind that yeah i was fucking up and i was unhappy but at least i had a boyfriend, someone right beside me, love and now i dont even have that. i have my friends and my family who i fucking love to death and would defintaly not be this far without, but at least when i was nick i didnt feel so shitty and guilty by myself. someone else was doing it too. i wasnt the only fuck up. now its all up to me to deal with it. ive been so lonely in boston and havent had anyone to talk to really so im sitting here writing it all in livejournal, probably looking like the biggest asshole ever. i dont really care tho. i dont care if everyone knows i have adrug problem and what everyone thinks, you dont have to deal with it, dont worry. its my life and im paying the price for every decision ive made without thinking first. i really cannot believe that i started writing and this all just came out. im gonna stop cuz i could really go on for hours. guess i really need that masshealth to come through so i can get some counseling huh? for anyone that read this im sorry for you but i love you for it
|
|
| Hallows Eve |
[31 Oct 2006|11:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
So here I was feeling sorry for myself cuz I thought I was going to be sitting here by myself handing out candy for Halloween.
But then .. Huey invites me up to Salem so I was going to take the T and go party up there
but then .. erin o came to the rescue and called and said she wanted to come pick me up and take me back to cape tonight instead of tommorow so of course i am going to do that cuz i really want to see my bitches above everything.
so i have to walk to my interview soon an im pretty sure i know where im going but im a little nervous about getting lost.
wish me luck.
and oh yeah, have a good halloween.
be safe and stay outta trouble (or dont get caught ;) )
<3
xo
|
|
|
[30 Oct 2006|06:11pm] |
I have a job interview tommorow with some catering company by the house. how exciting.
i reallylike CSI Miami but Horatio's intensity gets annoying, it's not becoming like Stabler's (from S.V.U) intensity.
Our Halloween party was good. A lot of drama tho for people in their late twenties. it was fun to be on the outside of it all tho, not in the center.
finally got to go apple picking yesterday. loved it as much as i remember even tho it was FUCKING FREEZING
erin and possibly renee are coming to visit wednesday evening
rock on
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2006|02:27pm] |
im so fucking pissed off right now
my heart is beating so fast and my hands are shaking
i am so fucking done with all guys
i gave up EVERYTHING for that kid and he still lies to me
time to take care of myself
fuck it
|
|
|
[22 Oct 2006|09:34pm] |
oh and p.s
i know its doubtful but if anyone wants to come here on saturday for our halloween party, youre more than invited
ill even come to cape and pick you up and drive you back if i must
|
|
|
[22 Oct 2006|09:16pm] |
tonight my mom an i went to a n.a meeting.
it was the first one that ive been to that i actually listened and tryed to take something away from.
i have not cryed the whole time i have been here but for some reason i could not stop crying during the meeting.
i am just so disgusted with the drug addict part of myself and the horrible things i have done.
bt i have no one to blame but myself an i am nmost certainly not looking for sympathy.
it just has to get worse to get better i know
but i feel shitty and alone
i hate that i have done this to myself and my friends and family but i guess the only thing i can do is change it now
the only thing i have left is livejournal har har just kidding
goodnight<3
|
|
|
[20 Oct 2006|04:17pm] |
god i am so hot for (who says that really) wentworth miller (dude from prison break)
thats all
p.s i dont even care if he has a gay name
|
|
| here goes nothing |
[20 Oct 2006|12:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
well here i am in watertown
ten minutes from harvard square
today is the first day i am starting to feel "normal" again.
staying in this house all day alone wityh tivo and percy (the adorable cat) is getting old, but i did need a couple days to clear out, rest up and eat some actual meals. percy loves me, even left me a dead bird next to my bed as a welcoming gift. how an indoor cat killed a bird is beyond me.
i keep having these fleeting thoughts of guilt for the fucked up things i have done in the past few months but i cant really change anything now, can i? all i can do is work my ass off from here on in and try to better myself and go back to the person i use to be.
as much as my heart aches and i miss nick every minute of everyday, we both know that things had to come to an end and this was for the best.
i know everyone is thinking, "ya ya we have heard this all before."
well trust me, i have thought about that too but people rarely get up onn their feet their first try.
anyway
my sister and chris are being entirely too cool about all this.
this afternoon im going to go into harvard square and chill till kristen gets outta work. then we are going to do a little shopping and go to dinner.
tommorow we are going to keene to some pumkin festival ad to chris' parent's for dinner.
sunday my mom is coming up and we are going to hang out and maybe go to a meeting.
imy mom set up this appointment with a psychic over the phone for mon day afternoon. i met with this lady in person like a year ago and it was kind of cool so it should be interesting if nothing else.
im also going to go job searching on monday. i saw this show on MTV bout this bitch from staten island workin in manhattan as a cocktail waitress making $450 a night. i need a job like that, fo real.
i slept like shit last night. bad dreams involving shit ive done. but plus side is i woke up early and cleaned and unpacked and set up my new room.
i hve been really missing my friends and i hope they can forgive me and let me back into their lives
i know it is going to take time but i am impatient dammit and i really want someone to go apple picking with. amanda, how long have i wanted to go for?!?!
anyway i gotta go call my insurance company cuz i rear ended someone the other day on the way here
it never ends with me lol
<3
|
|
|
[10 Oct 2006|12:34pm] |
so nick is probably leaving me and going west.
i cant say i blame him given the circumstances but it still really fucking sucks.
i need off this shitty island that holds nothing for me.
the sun doesnt even shine anymore.
|
|
|
[31 Jul 2006|03:23pm] |
so hey
life's being a bitch but what else is new.
dont have much to complain about really.
except the debt that i got myself in when i wasnt working
but i am back to work now so i should be getting out of that hole this week.
tonight is hangout with my amanda bobby an gregory. whomever else. sure to be a good time.
i have a crush on the new bartender at my work. rock on.
im bored and this isnt cuttin it
love you
<3
|
|
| you know it will always just be me |
[19 Jul 2006|10:03am] |
im so happy to be home
i dont reccomend living in a house with 40 women to anyone
today i went an registered for my outpatient program which i start friday
now i will mail my masshealth shit
then i will hang out with nick
then i will hang with renee and maybe go to a meeting
then i will hang with my amanda that i love
friday after my I.O.P shit im gonna go see my sister
saturday there's a fair in the air !!!
next week is six flags
ill write more about my adventures later (not that anyone is all that interested ...lol)
just letting you all know im home an my rough internary
call me
love you
|
|
| here you go renee |
[01 Jul 2006|10:13pm] |
p.s it's incredible that you can give people "livejournal nudges" now. how funny
|
|
|
[22 Jun 2006|02:47pm] |
last night I drove up to Millis to see you know who because him, brenden an his boss were staying at his boss's brother's house cuz they are working in the area. seriously, it's one of the nicest homes ive ever been in. he has a huge yard with a frickin river in the back. anyway, it was really nice cuz we just hung out in the hammock for a long time and talked about everything. i mean everything. something that should have been done a long time ago. i think we both got a lot of clarification and closure on things. its nice to let go of all the anger and resentment and have my friend back.
on the down side the fucking bugs are vicious this year. i have a million little bites and they are itchy and gross :( oh yeah and there were the fucking bullfrogs that were yappin all night and made it hard to get any sleep.
happy summer !!!! (yesterday was the first day for those of you not in the know)
tonight is my first night back to work in a week. fuckin yippie. i have to close too an we are open until 11 now since the damn playhouse is open. on the upside, my pay should increase by a lot. hopefully. a small part of me is excited to go back an see my work buddies plus this little vaca has made me feel 1000 times less burnt out from bringing effin steaks to a-holes.
my sister is coming down this weekend and bringing her boyfriend. it'll be cool to meet him and scope him out and go for drinks. he's not foreign though which is odd because my sister always dates foreign men.
anyway i must get my ass in gear now but i love you all. call me to hang out. or come visit me at work tonight cuz ill prob be there until a ridiculous hour.
<3
|
|
|
[21 Jun 2006|12:30pm] |
i know erin and chelsea did not have as good a time as I (maybe it was all the driving they did) but i had an EXCELLENT fucking time.
i loved everything about it.
except the extreme heat at some points (but everything else made up for it)
i want to live at Bonnaroo.
p.s it made me more excited about moving cuz i did not miss cape once and did not want to come back
love you all
<3
|
|
|
[08 Jun 2006|11:32pm] |
Your Thursday Horoscope briana!
Financial news brightens your day. While there is still some interpersonal relations that need repairing - or ending - things are looking up, long-term. You have gotten over the past and today proves this to others
|
|
|
[05 Jun 2006|11:41pm] |
just so everyone is up to date.
nick an i are officially over in every way possible.
we also officially hate eachother.
i have never been shit on so much in my life and i am so done with it.
ive never hated anyone as much as i hate him in this moment. and he is hating me too altho im unclear on what i ever did to him except love and try to help him but whatev, thats not the point of this entry.
im so much happier without him and i cant believe i wasted as much time on him as i did.
good for those of you that are thinking "told you so .. knew they wouldnt last"
had i known things would turn out like this i sure as hell would never have gone this route.
i hope him and nicole have a wonderful life together. haha
thank God I have amazing friends. (love you guys)
<3
p.s im going to be really sick for the next couple of weeks (most of you know why .. an im stoked about it) so dont get offended if i am really bitchy an/or ill. support would so be appreciated.
tommorow is like a brand new beginning for me. how exciting.
|
|
|
[02 Jun 2006|01:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
im officially pissed its that time of year where i have to pay to go to the beach.
ridiculous.
eron an i are getting facials tommorow.
an jeni gave me fantastic advice on how to get my hair done. i cant wait. how thrilling. i wont be plain jane any longer.
bonaroo is so close it makes me want to pee myself in excitement.
i kinda sorta asked a (cute) boy i dont know to go out for drinks.
how cool am i?
yesterday evening was spent in ptown.
splendid time was had by most.
i spent a fuckload of money an beat lesbians at pool.
also told the bartender to fuckk off because he was a total douchebag.
erin an i werent "butch enough".
direct quote.
im horny.
what a spaz entry.
im out,
love yas
|
|
|
[27 May 2006|01:41am] |
i got my federal taxes today so i am feeling soooo much better about bonaroo.
something got fucked up on my state taxes so those arent going to get back to me for anout six weeks or so but thats all good cuz the fgederal was the large chunk.
i got my official 21 year old i.d in the mail todAY. i look hott. im excited but 21 makes me feel so old.
i have so much more to say but im drawing a blank cuz i am sleepy an kind o drunk but ill write more later
hang out to the edge of your seats
loveee yaaa
p.s cant wait to do the whale trail erin o !
|
|
|
[20 May 2006|01:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 and thrilled of course |
] |
i had an exceptionally good evening.
started out with a cookout, homewarmingparty ( blasfamis) at chelsdoggah
fun times. intense game of wiffle ball (till douche broke my bat), more than delicuous pasta salad (created by twetha, my lovah), made up with Renee (of course, cuz she's my life partner and looked stunning in the sweater/lighting)
after i met with kate, deutsh , jen j, an taylor at scargo.
my co workers thought i was wasted cuz i asked if they thought i coukd get a dollar from everyone i met at the mall. iwasnt wasted yet.
then we went to the woodshed in brewster which was norhing short of amazing.
i went on stage an played the drums (yes!), danced an irish jig to the bagpipes, danced to sweet home alamber with some oldie in a cowbot hat that owns spankys clam shack or something like thtat, an kate an i threw pretzels at the band when they messed up blister in the sun. there was also a bride/groom/ entire wedding party there thst was so fun!
there was also an awesome couple that must have been at least late 60's rocking out and dancing the whole time. even when no one else was dancing. they were also thw sweetest people eber. i hope i am that awesome when i get old. it was nicwe to see them compared to the cranky oldies that i wait on every day.
then i came home an had a really nice long chat with that boy nick,
i cant wait to see jeni an brandon this weekekend, if only for briefly.
i guess thats all
looooveee you
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
emptyxdreams's journal
